[Spoon-business] The Return of Prose Form

["Glotmorf" <glotmorf@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

This proposal is intended for next nweek, and therefore hopefully submitted during the end-of-nweek off-clocking.  If the end of the nweek hasn't arrived yet, thanks to the one-day writ of delay, I can resubmit this later.

{{ _You're No Fun Any More!_

[[

It was a dark and stormy night.

More specifically, it was a dark and stormy night inside my head.  Out the window it was actually rather pretty, if one was in the mood for pretty.  I myself was in the mood for N-Heiser Shrub, in quantity.

"Boss?"

Note to self: Lock door before beer binge.

"You're here late again?  Don't you ever go home any more?"

I turned my eyes in Frank's general direction. "It's my office, remember?  I decide if I can stay late."

"Well, yeah, but...it seems like you never come out of here these days.  Are you doing anything here?"

"Course I'm doing something.  I'm toasting the moon for practice.  If I do it enough I'll get it right."  I raised my beer to the window. "Here's to ya, baby."

Frank looked warily at me. "I really think you should get out of here.  Catch a movie.  Hit a club.  Go out on a date."

"The moon is a harsh mistress, Frank."

"I wasn't talking about the moon.  Didn't you...have a thing going with Bee?"

"She didn't like the rules I made," I murmured.

"Well, that's women, ya know?  So why don't you let her make some rules?"

"I did."  I drained my beer, crumpled the can and threw it at Frank.  It bounced off his shoulder.

"Ow!  What was that for?"

"I can do that.  'S one of her rules."

I extracted a fresh can from the case and offered it to Frank.  He waved it away, so I toasted the moon again.

"Look...boss...I know things aren't great right now, but you can't just stay here and drink.  We gotta work on this stuff.  Business is off, we don't have any new contracts, Barney's stomping on our stores..."

"I have R&D working on Barney."

"R&D's got nothing.  Can't you do what you did last time?"

"All out of songs, Frank."

"Okay, but...you could tell him it's time to say goodbye..."

"Tried that." I gave Frank a vacuous grin. "'Aw, you can't fool me like that again.  This show isn't even halfway done.  Hu-hoo!'"

"So try something else!  Make him unhappy!"

I blinked. "You want me to piss off a gigantic, indestructible purple dinosaur?"

"Well, maybe not piss him off, but...I dunno...hurt his feelings?"

I stared at Frank, though I didn't actually see him.  His words were pulling upstream against the beer, and the current was strong.  Fortunately, so was the idea.  Frank had begun to squirm by the time I spoke.

"Frank."

"Boss?"

"Bring me a kid."

	*	*	*	*	*

The kid was scrawny, raggedly dressed and clutching his skateboard.  He looked nervous and belligerent, and didn't accept the offered chair or Dr. Pepper.

"This guy said I don't have to be here.  I got an airspeeder ride here an' I'll get another one back.  So I can go now?"

I nodded. "Sure, you can leave, but don't you want to hear my offer?"

"What offer?  You want me to do stuff?  I don't do stuff for weird old guys like you."

"And I don't ask kids like you to do weird stuff for me.  I just need you to deliver a message."

"Lots of shillings in it for you," added Frank.

The kid snorted. "Yeah, like I'd ever get to spend 'em.  My dad'll just take em away from me and buy more beer." His eye caught a beer can in the trash, and he looked at me with disgust.

Frank tried again. "We could send a few points your way..."

"Points?  What'm I gonna do with them?  I'm not connected...I'm not a major player like you guys..."

"We'll give you an airspeeder."

Frank and the kid both looked at me in shock. "Boss, you can't do that!"  "An airspeeder?  For me?"  "He's too young to fly one of those!"  "And I don't have to give it back?"  "Boss..."

I held up a hand. "The message is that important.  Yes, you can keep the airspeeder.  You'll get it now, you'll deliver the message, and you can fly it home or whatever afterward.  It'll even have a special add-on feature..."

	*	*	*	*	*

Barney was giggling and dancing his way through a service mall, leaving rubble in his wake, when he saw the lone airspeeder approaching him.  This was unusual; speeders had been avoiding Barney for a while.

HU-HOO!  DOES SOMEONE WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?

A high, crackly voice responded, "Heck no!  Why don't you just go away?"

AW, SOMEONE'S FEELING GROUCHY.  WHY DON'T WE SING A SONG...

"I don't wanna hear your songs!  Nobody wants to hear your songs!  Don't you get that?"

THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.  I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A BIG HUG AND...

"No hugs!  I'm tired of your hugs!  I'm tired of your games, I'm tired of your songs, I'm tired of your dances and your costumes and I'm tired of YOU!  YOU'RE NO FUN ANY MORE!"

And with that, the speeder turned and sailed away.

For a long moment, Barney didn't move.  His smile remained because that's how his face was built, but after a while a large tear appeared.  It rolled down his face and crashed into the ground, leaving a brook.  Then he slowly turned away, without a backward look, and waddled off over the horizon.

]]

Add to the end of Rule 1143 the following:

A Player can sacrifice a speeder e owns within one square of Barney and make Barney Go Away.  Barney is removed from the grid, the speeder and anything in its cargo bays is destroyed, and any Players riding in the speeder are deposited on the grid where the speeder used to be.  If Players cannot occupy this square, they are Elbonia-bounced.

[[

The world held its breath, but Barney didn't return.  An nweek went by, and then another.  Finally the people allowed themselves to relax and rejoyce.  The kid who delivered the message was paraded through the streets and got many endorsement contracts and talk-show appearances.  His father, thanks to the limelight he found himself in, went into detox and came out a clean and upstanding member of society.  M-Tek introduced a new product to its line of speeder enhancements and saw an influx of new business...

]]

Barney returns after four nweeks.

[[

HU-HOO!  IT'S A WHOLE NEW SEASON, AND I'VE GOT WHOLE NEW MATERIAL!  NEW SONGS, NEW GAMES, AND NEW WAYS FOR ME TO SAY I LOVE YOU!

Frank stepped up beside me as I gazed out the window. "Maybe we can get a discount rate on airspeeders..."

]]

}}



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The Ivory Mini-Tower: a cyber-anthropologist's blog
http://ix1.1sound.com/ivoryminitower

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