Wonko on 26 Mar 2002 22:29:01 -0000

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spoon-business: My First Proposal v2.0

What the bell. I amend my proposal entitled "No, YOU Hide!" to be the
__No, YOU hide!__

The smell of burning flesh filled the air. From my position in the trenches,
I could see nothing but the Gremlins flying back and forth overhead, leaving
smoky trails against the dull red sky, and the dirty Mud that surrounded me.
In the distance thunder boomed, as the Weather changed for the worse. The
Mud encasing me solidified suddenly, as a pair of Ice Gnomes rocketed by
overhead, but fortunately neither was aimed at me, and the Fire Gnome I had
grabbed earlier was already thawing out the frozen muck. 'Gremball is heck,'
I thought.

Suddenly, something caught my eye in the nearby mud. It was only a brief
glint, but for a moment I had been sure I was looking at something metallic
in the mud. I glanced around, then chucked my Fire Gnome hard in the
direction the Ice Gnomes had come from. While whoever threw them was busy
dodging, I dived forward and scooped frantically in the mud. I came up
holding a small metal talisman. It was about 3 inches on each side, and
shaped like one of the wooden masks the ancient Gremlins used to use for
their religious ceremonies.

Could it be....?

It was! I had found the Immunity Idol!

I laughed maniacally as I clawed my way out of the Mud onto the Metal square
nearby. "COME AND GET ME, WORLD!" I bellowed at the sport-torn Grid. And it

Lightning crackled through the dank air as player after player tried to
curse me, but the curses slid off like an Ice Gnome on a griddle, leaving
smoking holes in the Metal below me. Gremlins flew from all directions, but
I merely caught them and held them, not even feeling the searing flames
engulfing my hands. There was a thunderous CRACK! as the PIG broke a tooth
on one of my suddenly invincible proposals. Out of the corner of my eye, I
saw a ball of flaming fur flying towards me. It was the King Gremlin,
zipping through the air with the horrified look of a Gremlin that knows it's
going to hit the Idol. Laughing, I raised the talisman as the King Gremlin
crashed into the square I was standing in.

There was a bright flash.

When my vision cleared, I was standing in a small, ordinary-looking room. It
was small - only about half as wide as a Square, and maybe two-thirds the
length. The ground was covered with some sort of carpet-like material,
unlike any terrain type I'd seen on the Grid. The walls were light blue, and
painted with purple flowers. There was music playing, too - easy listening
stuff, the sort you'd find as elevator music in an upper class hotel. A
little table in one corner held a small glass vase of daffodils in the shape
of some sort of Gnome. It didn't look like it had been tended much recently,
though - all the flowers were dead.

The only other piece of furniture in the room was a large, slightly worn
Chesterfield sofa, which was up against the far wall. And sitting on the

"G'day Mate!" Sitting on the sofa was the richest Gremlin I'd ever seen. It
wore bright red silk clothing, trimmed with gold, and had a gold ring on
every finger. Its boots were made of bright silver, polished to the point
where it was painful to look at them. Next to it was a huge bag of what,
from where I was standing, looked like a few hundred points.

"The name's Enrique," it said.

"The Scoring Gremlin? But... but you're... Aren't you...?"

"In Hiding? That I am! And let me tell you, it's REALLY boring here."

"Here? You mean... This place... it IS....?"

"'Fraid so. Welcome to Hiding!"

"But how can I be here? I had the Idol! I was Invincible! I'm not supposed
to be sent to Hiding!"

"Ah, well, that's a bit unfortunate, innit, 'cause there's a little bug in
the ruleset, see?" Enrique pulled a tattered copy of the ruleset out of its
sack. "Let's see... Administrator...Emergency...Gender...Keywords, no, too
far... Ah! Here we go! Gremlins. Take a look at this passage right here."

He showed me the page.

"If a gremlin hits the player with the Idol, e immediately goes into
Hiding... Wait! That's supposed to be the Gremlin, not the me!"

"Ah, well, that's not what it says, is it?"

"But that's what it's SUPPOSED to say!"

Enrique laughed. "If the rules already said what they were 'supposed' to
say, then this wouldn't be much of a game, would it? If you don't like it,

"Fine!" I said. I pulled out my palm pilot, and sent a message to the Game

"Not like that!" said the Gremlin, looking over my shoulder. "Be creative!"

"What do you mean, creative?"

"Like a Haiku or something! How about this:

Replace the word "e"
With the new phrase "the Gremlin"
In rule 2 9 3

"But that's dumb! I HATE Haikus!"

"Look, do you want points or not?"

"Fine, fine." I sent the revision to GamCom. "Now can I get out of here?"

"Certainly. Just click your heels together three times and say 'There's no
game like Nomic'"


"Don't ask me why it works. I don't make the rules. Just do it."

"Alright." I sighed. "There's no game like Nomic. There's no game like
Nomic. There's no game like Nomic."

Enrique started smirking.

"Um... nothing's happening."

"Oops, my mistake," said Enrique. I got the impression he was trying hard
not to laugh. "The door's over there. Sorry!"

I hate Gremlins.



"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or
1024 chickens?"
    - Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing