[Spoon-business] Pirates of the Caffeination

["Baron von Skippy" <baronvonskippy@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

I propose:

{
__Arr, Mateys!__

[[
     "Probability level at two to the ten thousandth power against and 
dropping."
     The Baron sat in his captain's chair on the bridge of the Crazy Squid, 
watching improbability swirl around outside. As a herd of penguins swooped 
overhead, he mused on the last mission. It had gone off without a hitch. 
They hadn?t been able to take much. Only six cans, but they couldn?t afford 
to take more without raising suspicion.
     "Probability level at two to the eight thousandth power against and 
dropping."
     Six Cans would be easily missed. WBE was a little trigger-happy these 
days, shooting off... that is, "testing the yield of" cans at Barney, large 
custom-made targets, passing clouds, etc... some of the more adventurous 
gunners were even firing spreads, trying to see how much damage they could 
do. And not all of them kept very good records.
     "Probability level at two to the five thousandth power against and 
dropping."
     Not that he knew what vSET wanted the things for. Besides just having 
them, of course. Some little concoction or another, he was sure. Maybe they 
wanted to reverse-engineer the things. With any other department, he would 
be more concerned, but Commander Campion usually returned good results. 
Sometimes he returned with scorched clothes and a grim report, but usually 
results.
     "Probability level at two to the two thousandth power against and 
dropping."
     A horde of rubber ducks marched in perfect formation a foot above the 
hull, providing a temporary distraction from his thoughts. Suddenly, though, 
they were scattered as a shock wave of some sort rocked the ship, followed a 
second later by an incredibly bright flash. Klaxons blared across the ship 
as the junior officer at the helm began calling out the sensor readings.
     "Sir, I'm reading a major IO at 2 power 1718. Something was created in 
realspace."
     "I thought the containment field prevented against Improbability 
Occurrences."
     "Well, they do; they're supposed to be nearly foolproof. A failure 
like this one is a one in a billion chance."
     The Baron made a mental note to make someone miserable for this. 
"Lieutenant, that's a probability of two to the twentieth power to one. We 
are currently at..."
     The computer chose that moment to chime in.
     "Probability level at two to the thousandth power against and 
dropping."
     The lieutenant looked more than a little frightened. The Baron shook 
his head. Not the man's fault. It was someone's fault, though, and he 
intended to find out whose. For the time being, though, he had to wait. The 
speeder was coming in to land, and it was a bad idea to exit the speeder 
before normal probability was restored. He watched out a viewport as the Hot 
Pink Ops speeder next to his reverted to a Black Ops speeder, then hurried 
out the hatch and to the hangar commander's office above the bay. The 
commander was gone for the night; even secret corporate armies were 
unionized these days. He sat down and dialed up vSET.
     "vSET administrative offices, how may I help you?" came the 
tired-sounding voice at the other end.
     "Put me through to Commander Campion."
     "May I ask who?s calling?"
     "His boss."
     The other end went silent for a moment, then the voice, suddenly 
sounding very alert, said "I'll put you through right away, sir."
     Campion?s voice came out a few seconds later. "Good evening, Baron, or 
perhaps I should say good morning? Good to hear from you, sir. I suppose 
I'll have to tell the office pool that your speeder didn?t go nuclear, 
then."
     "Your confidence in your own failsafe systems is not reassuring, 
Commander."
     "Oh, my money was on you setting off the WBE lab as a going-away 
present. Of course, we know now that's not it, either."
     "What is it, then?"
     "Something large appeared at the time of the explosion in Lake 
Caffeine. Our radar operators are stumped. We've sent out a scout. Shortly 
after the first explosion, there were several smaller ones."
     "What caused them?"
     "Looked like Whoopass, Baron. A number of small hills have 
disappeared, and at least one unlucky flock of birds has come out of the sky 
extra-crispy."
     "Could it be a WBE weapon?"
     "It could be, but it isn't."
     "How do you know?"
     "It appeared at the same time as a field of couch plants outside. WBE 
doesn?t have a botany lab."
     "Couch whats?"
     "Plants. We're considering harvesting the crop and furnishing lounges 
with them, if we can figure out what they need to grow properly. I mean, you 
don't want to over- or under-water them, you know, and we don't even know if 
they need water. Maybe we just need to keep their upholstery clean, look out 
for quarters growing between the cushions, and..."
     The Baron cut him off. "What is in Lake Caffeine?"
     "The scout is in visual range now."
     The desktop computer?s screen flickered to life as vSET's server took 
control. The image on it was a strange one. A somewhat bulbous dark shape, 
smaller at the bottom than at the top, which seemed to be flowing and 
changing shape somewhat. It reminded him of something, but he didn?t place 
it until he saw the flag at the top, snapping in the breeze. A black banner 
with a skull and crossbones.
     "Baron, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
     "Looks like pirates."
     "There's a pirate ship in Lake Caffeine shooting off cans of 
Whoopass?"
     "Seems a little improbable, doesn't it?"
     "What should we do about it?"
     "Nothing yet. That lake is totally landlocked. Observe from a 
distance, see what they're doing. If it gets dangerous, we'll find a way to 
take it down."
     Two days later, Campion entered the Baron?s office bearing the report 
from vSET Black Ops regarding the ship:
]]
Add a subsection, to 301.E:
{
E.7. The Improbable
There exists a Passable SO called the Improbable. At the beginning of each 
nweek, if the Improbable exists, the Improbable throws a Can of Whoopass at 
a target within three spaces of it which is highest on the following list. 
If  more than one target is tied for highest on the list, the Improbable 
throws a Can of Whoopass at a randomly selected one of those targets.

Players
Speeders
Armies
Gremlins
Grid Enhancements
Ancient Monoliths
Big Rocks with Sirens on them
Big Rocks without Sirens
Other Impassable objects
Other Passable objects besides Service Malls
Other Carryable objects

If there are no targets available, the Improbable throws a Can of Whoopass 
Elbonia-style at Lake Caffeine.
}
[[
     "So what do you suggest we do about it, Commander?"
     "Well, normally I'd say to leave it be, but it knocked one of our 
scouts out of the air today and the press has decided it's our creation and 
won't leave us alone. You are aware there's a small contingent of them 
outside your office?"
     "Again? One moment." The Baron tapped a small blue button on the 
underside of his desk. Out in the hall, a fire sprinkler turned on 
unexpectedly, spraying a number of reporters. As the shouts of surprise rose 
from outside, the Baron chucked. "Someday I should probably get that 
sprinkler fixed. You never know when it'll go off. Anyway, if we're not 
leaving the ship alone, what are we doing? Sinking it?"
     "I was thinking that, but we can?t get close enough with the existing 
weapons on the speeders. We need longer-range weapons, and powerful ones."
     "Missiles, perhaps?"
     "That?s what I was hoping for, yes."
     "I think I can get them for you. Start training a squad of crews."

           *     *     *     *     *

     "Wealthy Bastard Enterprises, Wonko speaking."
     "Wonko, how are things over at WBE?"
     "Wonderful, until you started acting cheerful, Baron. It's never a 
good sign when you do that. What do you need?"
     "I need Whoopass. Lots of Whoopass."
     "You mean you don't have any?"
     "What would give you that impression?"
     "The Whoopass-firing pirate ship in the lake."
     "Not mine, despite what the BGRD news is saying."
     "Sure it isn't."
     "Look, I need three KEMOSABE turrets, twelve missiles, and enough 
Whoopass to arm them all."
     "Maybe you can have them. Will WBE still be standing when you're done 
firing them?"
     "Most likely. Now do you have them or not?"
     "We've got them. You want to pay for this with cash up front or on a 
monthly payment plan? I can offer you an attractive interest rate on the 
latter."
     "Just have them ready. A cargo speeder will come by to pick them up."
     "Pleasure doing business with you, Baron."
     "Likewise, Wonko."
]]
Add to 301.E.7:
{
If a Can of Whoopass is Cracked open at the Improbable's location the 
Improbable is destroyed.
}
[[
     The hunt went well. Lake Caffeine would be sluggish from the entropy 
for months. Not that anyone would notice, however, as the caffeine kept the 
few surviving fish permanently hyper. Life at vSOI returned to normal, until 
the day the new IO containment field was being tested. A Speeder vanished 
from sight, and began to reappear 50 meters away, when a tremendous flash 
momentarily created a second sun on the northern horizon. As the ground 
trembled, the speeder was forgotten and suddenly the Baron was the focus of 
the attention of the press, who wanted to know what the Speeder had done 
while in the Improbability Field. As he tried to calm them, he noticed 
Commander Campion calling orders into a two-way radio. With a sound of 
screaming jets, a full squadron of vSOI scouts roared into the air, 
streaking towards the source of the explosion. However, the Baron already 
had a sinking feeling that he knew what had happened. He wondered if he 
could get a discount on a bulk order of missiles.
]]

Add to 301.E.7:
{
If the Improbable is not present on the Grid, and an IID is used, the 
Improbable is created in Lake Caffeine. When the Improbable is created, two 
random squares adjacent to Lake Caffeine have Cans of Whoopass cracked open 
on them.
}

{
If proposal 1352 passed, replace "or if it enters a Grid Square which 
contains a player, speeder, Barney, or an Impassable Object" with "or if it 
enters a Grid Square which contains a player, speeder, Barney, the 
Improbable, or an Impassable Object."
}
}

[[BvS]]




_________________________________________________________________
MSN 8 with e-mail virus protection service: 2 months FREE*  
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus

_______________________________________________
spoon-business mailing list
spoon-business@xxxxxxxxx
http://lists.ellipsis.cx/mailman/listinfo/spoon-business